Hambot 2000 explains
THE PIRATE COMMISSION BOARD

I will be the first to admit that the idea of licensing pirates is a bit self defeating. A pirate, by modern definition, is one who operates without a license. It is a sad day indeed this seemingly hypocritical act becomes necessary.
Since the nineteen sixties, the image of the pirate has been increasingly popular with children. The movie "Peter Pan," and "Pan" and Pirates of The Caribbean have contributed largely to this degrading of the pirate image into something clumsy, tacky, and even docile. One need look no further than toy stores and party supply stores of America to see that the situation is dire.

Everywhere are 'cute' pirates with enlarged eyes, funny grins, and parrots strait out of Aladdin perched on their shoulder. There are pirate hats made of card stock, cutlasses made of cheap plastic, and muskets.... There ARE no muskets. That crucial component of the pirate's weaponry has been eliminated because it may encourage violence. PIRATES LOVE VIOLENCE. That is retarded. A true pirate would never wear a landlubbin' sissy cardstock pirate hat. They would never even allow the blessed Jolly Roger to be displayed on such a doltish headpiece.

Pirate merchandise has sunk such a low that the public is beginning to lose sight of the ferocious and deadly power pirates once held.

As pirates ourselves, we find it necessary to put an end to these imbeciles that would defame the good name of pirates. The responsible parties are more despicable than any pirate ever dared be. They are concerned only with increasing their own wealth through taking hard earned money from parents on toys their children don't really need. Pirates never looted children or stole from the needy. When pirates seized booty, it was almost exclusively from "traders" in the Americas and India, who were themselves looting and plundering, murdering, and spreading foreign disease to the natives they traded with. These toy designers work primarily for Disney, the largest conglomerate corporation in the world, but also for wealthy businessmen in Asia producing cheap toys in unsafe sweatshops. They have no respect for the true nature of the pirate community, and are willing to defame us to increase their own profits.
We pirates will not stand for this behavior. We have formed a coalition to insure the integrity of the pirate name. We do this through the licensing of pirate related merchandise. We attack shitty pirate merchandise with stickers stating "NOT PCB APPROVED." To be licensed pirate merchandise, the product must meet the approval of a licensed PCB officer. Criteria for product licensing are as follows.

1. The product must not be some sissy shit.
2. The product may not misuse the pirate flag. For example, many poisons are unworthy to bear the flag of the feared pirate, Richard Worley (his flag has become the universal poison symbol).
3. The product must appear hella tough.

If you feel you can properly identify these qualities in pirate merchandise, if you enjoy shouting the word "ARR," if yee have salt water runnin' through yer veins, if ye have an undyin'' lust for booty, you too could become a an officer of the pirate commission board. Contact your local PCB recruiter, pass a simple test, and begin duty immediately.